“I hate liars. Especially since all I did was keep it real with you.”
I don’t know what to believe anymore. Because I just found out everything that has happened in the past few months, everything between me and Matthew, has been a lie.
I talked with Tom. Asked him what he knew about what happened. That he was really surprised and didn’t see it coming. Oh, and also that I was a clingy psycho and that I made things really awkward between us. Also that when I told him “I loved you.”, that was taking it too far. Even though I know those words never even came out of my mouth. Ever. Not to my family, friends, definitely not a boyfriend. So I think I would’ve known if those words came out of my mouth. And if they did, you better damn well know I wouldn’t deny I ever said it. Own up to the mistakes you make. Don’t hide behind them like a coward.
I think that’s why he broke things off. He said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. That’s when all of this started and it makes sense. But… now I can’t believe anything he ever says. And I also don’t believe anything he has ever said. Everything has been a lie. I dated a pathological liar. Wow, I really know how to pick ’em.
That’s not the only thing that’s been weird. Tom said he’s been really… angry lately. On a short fuse. When they are at the gym, he thinks everyone is watching him, making fun of him. Then he works out for another hour than he has to. He’s also giving up drinking. Totally going off the deep end. He obviously has a lot more problems than we know of, like self-confidence. He has none of that. And who knows? The girlfriends he had before that said cheated on him? If that’s even real. Maybe he was the one doing the cheating. But we’ll never know…
I just know that I do not like him anymore. NO romantic feelings at all. There’s only so much a person can take. Leading me on, lying to me, making up stories, using me when it’s only convenient for him. But this was the last straw. Him making me out to be some psycho. Clingy. Like I’m the one who drove him away. I haven’t changed anything about me. I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I went with the flow and never made a big deal about anything, never asked anything of him.
I was real. And I never lied to him. Not once.
And now I’m second guessing everything about myself. I know he probably made me out to be a complete bitch to his family. And I unlovable? Do I do this to myself? Because this is exactly how my last relationship went: Brian ghosted me out, said he didn’t like me anymore, and made me out to be a psycho to the friend group. What am I doing wrong? Should I be more like the 85%? Even if I should, I literally can’t. It’s not possible for me to act so… complicated.
I do feel better though. Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I could care less about what happens to Matthew. He could go die in a hole and I wouldn’t care. I’d probably push him in to be honest. Now I just have to focus on myself. Ben and Tom told me they would gladly, not even hesitate to pick me over Matthew.
But the problem with that- I can’t believe anything anyone says. Ever. Because all people do is lie. I was just hoping this time would be different.
The only real person is me.
until next time…