Are there any real people out there anymore?

“I hate liars. Especially since all I did was keep it real with you.”

-Anonymous

I don’t know what to believe anymore. Because I just found out everything that has happened in the past few months, everything between me and Matthew, has been a lie.

I talked with Tom. Asked him what he knew about what happened. That he was really surprised and didn’t see it coming. Oh, and also that I was a clingy psycho and that I made things really awkward between us. Also that when I told him “I loved you.”, that was taking it too far. Even though I know those words never even came out of my mouth. Ever. Not to my family, friends, definitely not a boyfriend. So I think I would’ve known if those words came out of my mouth. And if they did, you better damn well know I wouldn’t deny I ever said it. Own up to the mistakes you make. Don’t hide behind them like a coward.

I think that’s why he broke things off. He said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. That’s when all of this started and it makes sense. But… now I can’t believe anything he ever says. And I also don’t believe anything he has ever said. Everything has been a lie. I dated a pathological liar. Wow, I really know how to pick ’em.

That’s not the only thing that’s been weird. Tom said he’s been really… angry lately. On a short fuse. When they are at the gym, he thinks everyone is watching him, making fun of him. Then he works out for another hour than he has to. He’s also giving up drinking. Totally going off the deep end. He obviously has a lot more problems than we know of, like self-confidence. He has none of that. And who knows? The girlfriends he had before that said cheated on him? If that’s even real. Maybe he was the one doing the cheating. But we’ll never know…

I just know that I do not like him anymore. NO romantic feelings at all. There’s only so much a person can take. Leading me on, lying to me, making up stories, using me when it’s only convenient for him. But this was the last straw. Him making me out to be some psycho. Clingy. Like I’m the one who drove him away. I haven’t changed anything about me. I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I went with the flow and never made a big deal about anything, never asked anything of him.

I was real. And I never lied to him. Not once.

And now I’m second guessing everything about myself. I know he probably made me out to be a complete bitch to his family. And I unlovable? Do I do this to myself? Because this is exactly how my last relationship went: Brian ghosted me out, said he didn’t like me anymore, and made me out to be a psycho to the friend group. What am I doing wrong? Should I be more like the 85%? Even if I should, I literally can’t. It’s not possible for me to act so… complicated.

I do feel better though. Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I could care less about what happens to Matthew. He could go die in a hole and I wouldn’t care. I’d probably push him in to be honest. Now I just have to focus on myself. Ben and Tom told me they would gladly, not even hesitate to pick me over Matthew.

But the problem with that- I can’t believe anything anyone says. Ever. Because all people do is lie. I was just hoping this time would be different.

The only real person is me.

until next time…

 

 

My dad still dishing out the advice- when is he ever wrong?

“People cry, not because their weak. It’s because they’ve been strong for so long.”

-Johnny Depp

It’s amazing how many different points of view you can get on a certain topic. So many different pieces of advice, positive and negative. It doesn’t matter who it is or what the circumstances are. Because at then end of the day, I am always going to take the advice of the wisest person I know- my dad.

I doesn’t matter that when he talks about “back in the day”, he’s meaning the 1970’s. It doesn’t matter that he couldn’t send a text message to save his life. It also doesn’t matter that his whole life all he’s accomplished is pretty much just farming. Every piece of advice he’s given me has been spot on. Because he knows how people act. For him it’s not that hard to figure things out. In this case, it’s about dating.

Just because he’s been married to my mom for the past 35+ years doesn’t mean he wasn’t once my age too. It doesn’t matter what decade we are in, dating is still the same. So I explained my situation to him. And he did not take my side.

Don’t get me wrong. He didn’t take Matthew’s side either. But he just kinda pointed out how stupid I was being. So this is basically what he said- That I wasn’t playing hard to get at all. I’m letting Matthew know that I still like him, so I’m giving him power over me. That maybe Matthew really doesn’t like me and that maybe he’s just too afraid to tell me. Also that my situation isn’t unique at all. These kinds of love stories happen every day. Every one has their own story to tell.

“Well better loved and lost than to never love at all.” I really don’t agree with this quote. If it were up to me, it is way worse to loves and lost. It’s so much more painful. But then my dad proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t getting the point of the quote. It’s not the loved and lost part that we have to focus on. It’s the fact that the more people we love, the more experience we have, the more we learn from out mistakes. It’s all about us growing as people. That way when we meet the people we are meant to be with, we will be more mature as a whole, as we have learned from our past experiences.

Also this- I’m stuck in a hard place because I can’t exactly find a new friend group just like that. I can’t avoid him because he will always be around. So all you have to do is just get through it. Get through the next 100 days of school. Then you never have to see him again. Because when you love someone, it’s hard to get rid of those feelings. And I will take time. But you’ll get over him. It doesn’t matter how in love you are. You can get over anyone. But until those 100 days are over… you’ll have to make it through.

And no one knows what the future might bring. He may not like the army after a few years and decide to go back to school and finish his degree. You might in some freak way cross paths with him. You’ll both be single and decide to try dating again. Or who knows, there might be a chance he changes his mind before the school year is over, even though those chances are pretty slim. Because I know you’re hoping that happens anyways.

I asked him one last question- what do I do with all of the gifts he gave me?- You know what you do? Get a box, any box, and put everything he ever gave you in that box. Then put it in a closet. Or in the basement. And forget about it. Don’t ever think about it. In 2, 3 years you’ll come across that box, look inside, and those memories you had together, they won’t be bitter. You’ll see that shirt he gave you and think “Hey this is cute, I’ll start wearing it again.” You won’t connect it to bad memories anymore.

I’m starting to get that we probably won’t get back together. So let’s start counting down the days… yippee… I believe we are at… 82 days 23 hours 27 minutes.

I’m tired of being weak. When am I going to be strong again?

until next time…

I’m losing the battle. But will I win the war?

“Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting.”

-anonymous

I tried to find a quote about men being more complicated than women, but there are seriously none out there. It is said that girls are more complicated than guys. But I have proof that that theory is not true. Because I managed to find the most furiously stubborn complicated man this world has to offer. And myself being an extremely uncomplicated woman, our relationship is not exactly normal.

I really don’t know what to do now. He has so many different emotions- if I ignore him, he gets mad or jealous and ignores me, then asks me to hang out later because… I don’t know!? Does he miss me? Does he regret his decision of breaking up with me? I often wonder if he thinks he’s not good enough for me and that’s why he doesn’t allow himself… to date me? Why can’t he just put everything else aside and just allow himself to be with me?

He has been a jerk lately. He is being really rude and saying really mean stuff. I don’t get why he’s talking like he does. Because this isn’t him. He doesn’t act like this. It’s almost like he’s trying to push me away but he doesn’t want to when it actually happens. Unless this is what he meant before when he said he’s a bad person. But I don’t think that’s the case…

I’ve made a decision. If things don’t change in the next, what, 3 months, I’m cutting him out. I’m returning all of the things he ever gave me, blocking him on everything. And I have a letter. A letter explaining my point of view. The goal is to rip his heart out like he did to me.

They say that in your life there are 3 loves you experience.

1.The first is just a beginning love. The first is when you think you love them, imagine the future with them. But it’s just a high school kind of love and it’s not hard to get over.

2. The second is a toxic kind of love. Both people are consumed with each other; obsessed. But they don’t care. A whirlwind kind of love where you find your soulmate. And it’s the most painful. When it ends, it feels like your soul is ripped out of your chest. It is also the hardest to recover from. (That’s where I’m at right now).

3. The third is where you find your life partner. Things are under a tension. They just feel so right. Like this is the person you are meant to be with. Or so they say. I haven’t found this person yet.

I think what I’m finding the biggest burden in all this is the process of finding another guy who meets my standards. And us doing the whole talking stage. And him asking me out. And officially being boyfriend/girlfriend. It just seems like a lot of work to be honest. But I desperately want it to happen. But then there goes the saying of good things happen when you least expect it.

But I guess that’s what seemed so easy about me and Matthew’s situation. We were going through all of those stages without me even knowing it. It all went by so fast. And then it happened. But then it ended just as quickly.

Once again. TV special.

Here’s the million dollar question- is all of this worth it? Is Matthew worth fighting for? Because I would never force a guy to be in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. But if he still likes me then that’s a whole different story. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for this. My friends tell me that I will win this. That I’ll get through to him. But I don’t think I will. That’s why I want to move on. He’s dangling my heart in front of me. Only paying enough attention to me to keep my hope alive. And that is the absolute worst thing you can do to a person.

I wish I knew if I was fighting a losing battle. Then I would know if it was a lost cause, or if it was still worth fighting.

until next time…

Hidden Strength from Tea

“A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong it is until you put it in hot water.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt

If there is a quote I can relate to more than anything else on this planet it would be this one. And it really is true about all women. Or at least a good 95% of them. Females are considered dainty and weak. Men are considered strong and tough.

But when a women gets mad… I know when I get mad I get scary. And it’s not because I say so. It’s because people tell me that. I may be small, but I’m not weak physically. And my pain tolerance is very high so if I need to throw a couple punches I know I can do some damage.

But it’s not just the physical strong that is implied. When a woman is mad, and she ignores you… or doesn’t ignore you and just simply makes your life hell… it’s just miserable for everyone. So note of advice: if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/literally any important person that you don’t want to lose, treat them like a precious flower. And don’t ever let them go. Because as soon as something happens, they may leave forever. Just a little Valentine’s tip.

A teabag is a really good analogy, but honestly I hate tea. Tea tastes like dirt water. Sometimes it might be fruity dirt water. But there’s always that nasty rancid taste hidden even in Arnold Palmer… I will never be a fan of tea.

until next time…

 

One life is enough if you do it right…

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

-Robert Frost

This quote reminds me of Dory in the movie Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming. Because it’s true. Life doesn’t care. Time isn’t going to stop for you even though sometimes it feels like is has. Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours to days. Days to years. And those years will add up until… well you know how it ends. You only have one life. But if you do it right, once is enough.

I’ve never been a big believer of karma. Or reincarnation. I don’t believe you get a second life after you die. And what’s the point if you don’t remember your previous life anyway? But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Something terrible happens. But it’ll be okay. Because I just have to believe that God let that thing happen because it’s his plan for the rest of my life.

Also, it you’re taking any advice from this, here’s a point I want to emphasize: No mistake is unfixable. There is no mistake that you can’t move past from. If you keep a level head, think rationally, it can be moved past. Crying about it won’t fix anything. If anything that just wastes time, when you could’ve been using that time to fix the problem.

Just thought I’d throw that out there. Although my problems are usually pretty big (totally unrelated to my dating life). They aren’t like spilling a glass of milk or running out of gas in my car. They’re more like trying to save a dying calf and being careful I don’t break my hip socket. But those are issues for another day I guess.

If you’re wondering how me and Matthew are doing: to catch you up, I haven’t really been talking to him. Purposely ignoring him but… not ignoring him. Just acting normal around him. Talking to other people.

But last night he asked to hang out with me. This always happens when he gets jealous. We go to dinner, he doesn’t talk and is on his phone. Then he goes to the gym. And that night he asks to hang out because he misses me. Not to be a bitch but what other reason would it be? We didn’t end up hanging out last night because the honestly was no place open. His roommate was in his room, and the rooms in the basement were taken. But we said we’ll reschedule for later in the week. So I’ll keep you updated.

Besides that tidbit, yesterday was a good day. It was the first day in a long time I felt… just happy. I laughed. I smiled. And I didn’t care about what Matthew was doing. Because if he didn’t want me in his life, I was going to be around people who wanted me there.

And you know what? No matter what happens, life will go on. Whether I’m ready or not.

until next time…

Only in Fairy Tales…

“So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”

-the notebook

What I would give to have someone say this to me. Just say, fuck it. Screw the future. Because I want you right now and I can’t live without you. And I’m willing to work as hard as you to make this work. But that stuff only happens in fairy tales, or so it seems. Which my life is like a soap opera, so it’s almost the same thing… right?

I need to start new. I’m cutting Matthew out. Or more like ignoring him. Hoping he gets the fucking hint. Or causes him to realize what he wants. I’m sick of sitting still. Waiting for something to happen. Because he got us into this mess. And I know it will come down to me getting myself out. There’s nothing wrong with depending on yourself, just to make that clear. But it’s nice to have some help sometimes.

I just feel so bored. What do I DO? I mean there is a ton of things to do, but they all involve this thing called money, and no one has any of that. So dead in the water again I suppose.

If anyone is reading this, if you could give me some ideas on activities that are a low budget and are time consuming, that would be great. I need to get back to who I was before. This new me is not very flattering.

until next time…

 

Overthinking that changes your life

“Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love… changes your life.”

–Angelica, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

How do you know the difference between just regular old love and… great love? Because this feels like great love to me. And if it changed my life? Well thank you very much but I’m only 18. I’m just trying to get past my drinking phase here.

I wasn’t asking for this. I think the saying is true ” Great things happen when you least expect it” is very true. But that’s usually when you re ready for a change to happen. I want my best friend back. I want to watch movies every night and not wonder if I’m welcome there or not. I’m sick of thinking. But it’s not like I can just turn off my brain. I don’t think it works like that. Trust me, if I had it figured out, I would’ve solved that problem by now.

Because thinking is the only reason I am where I am right now. And I don’t think it’s thinking that’s the problem. It’s overthinking. Everything is okay until I start realizing that things are too good to be true. No way it’s going to last. The other shoe has to drop sometime. And trying to convince someone that no, stop overthinking, everything is fine… that’s impossible. When there is a thought in my head, the only way it can get out is if I convince myself I’m overreacting. Only something monumentally life changing could make me feel any different.

And don’t get me started on big love. I would suck so much if it took 2 years to get over someone. 2 Years! Why even bother. In my opinion, being in love, is an aweful feeling. I’m waiting for when I feel very secure in my relationship, I don’t have to worry about the other shoe to drop.

Because both of them are already on the floor, on the mat, by the door.

until next time…