There’s no place like home…

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” 
― Socrates

Well here I am again. Over a month has past since I’ve written to you guys. And I don’t feel bad about it. What’s new with me? Well…

No new guys in my life I’m afraid. Is that bad? I’m 19 and I feel like I should have at least some admirers. Some guys I flirt with.  I thought by now I would’ve lost my virginity but obviously that hasn’t happened. I remember one of my previous posts I wrote that I found a new group of friends and was partying it up. And I was. But now that there is only 3 weeks left of school I just want to get through it and start fresh next year. Stay in my room and chill and sleep, eat occasionally. And let me tell you something- the freshman 15 is real. Very real.

I’m going to just let it happen naturally, the whole guy thing. I am not going to force myself on someone. I learned that lesson.

I feel like I should be hanging out with a lot of people. I don’t want to be lame, a loner, live up to my mother’s accusations: a stupid, ugly, friendless loser. Maybe, just maybe, it’s my self-confidence rearing it’s ugly head.

Here’s something I don’t get- I haven’t talked to Matthew in over a month. And just yesterday he brought up to my friend Jesse our break up. Me saying “I loved him” (even though I didn’t) and how I threw myself on him and how he just had to get out of the relationship. How he was done with me, Ben, Tom. How he just stays in his room and doesn’t talk with anyone. And here’s the real kicker- how he’s spending his time with all these girls on tinder and has slept with over 8 girls since he broke it off with me. Good for you, you sleaze.

None of this surprises me. What I don’t get is why he’s bringing it up again? I thought after I left him alone he would’ve gotten over it, but why does he have the need to bring it up?

Personally, I think it’s because he knows what really happened that night. That he told me first and I didn’t say it back. That’s what’s bothering him and that’s why be broke up with me. Why did I get involved with him in the first place?

Can’t wait til summer. Can’t wait til summer. Can’t wait til summer. Maybe if I say it 3 times like Dorthy it will come true.

until next time…

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vi.va.cious- full of life and good spirits, happy and lively in a way that is attractive

“Stay close to people who feel like sunlight.”

-Anonymous

I know not many people read my blog. I haven’t posted in a couple days but I feel like I’m letting someone down. Maybe myself? Because I wanted to be dedicated to something. But whatever. It’s not a big deal.

Things have changed since the last time I wrote. New friends. Fun times. Partying. Oh and of course homework! How could I forget that? It’s been a good time. But I feel bad because I’m ditching Ben and Tom in the process. Not Josh. I still hang with Josh. But the group I hung with last semester isn’t really a group anymore to be honest. Some parts I regret, others I don’t.

I got a speeding ticket. There. I said it. And I have the money to pay it. But then insurance goes up. And I have to tell my dad. And I am not more scared of anyone in my life than my dad. It’s a conversation I’m not looking forward to.

I feel like I’m drowning in my homework. Like I can’t keep up with it. I’m failing so many quizzes it’s not even funny. But I’m getting homework done. And I go to class. I just have a bad feeling…

I also feel lost. I don’t know how to describe it. Like an invisible wall. Like I’m waiting for something to completely capture my focus so I don’t feel like a lost puppy dog. It was how I felt last semester. Always with someone. Always wanted. Something to completely takeover my attention so I don’t have to feel like I’m searching for something… or someone.

until next time…

 

 

Summer Blues

“I love how summer just wraps its arms around you like a warm blanket.”

-Kellie Elmore

I can’t wait for the year to end. Not because I’m having a bad time in college. Not because of my friends. Not because of my schoolwork, even though that is kinda going into the toilet. I want the year to be over because I want summer to be here.

Summer is my favorite season. It’s warm, and sunny and I can wear shorts and a tank. Boating and swimming and the fresh air. It sounds like paradise right now.

The biggest reason that I want summer to come is working. Training animals at the farm I work at, spending time with my animals. I want all of that. Working at my dad’s farm and working outside. Getting tan and my hair bleaching. Scraping my legs and callouses on my hands. Sweating and smelling like a barn and feeling completely okay with it because no one else cared either. Wearing rubber boots covered in manure, shorts and a cut-off covered head to toe in manure. That is what paradise feels like right now.

It’s crazy. How I can spend the past 3 months in negative degree weather, and as soon as it reaches 35 degrees? Shorts and T-shirt weather! Personalities are lighter. Things are easier.

The last reason I can’t wait for the school year to end is because I want to bury it. Because the more time that passes, the less courage I have to give Matthew’s gifts back , and block him out of my life. I need to do it and never see him again. Closure.

One thing I’m doing different is I’m working out a lot more. Running. And kickboxing. Kickboxing! A lot of people say that’s bad ass. Let’s just see how it goes…

until next time…

Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet…

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
― E.E. Cummings

Growing up, I was never with friends who were like me. I went to a private school. You can imagine how difficult it was to find anyone connected to agriculture. And I lived an hour away. Driving that distance, it was difficult to hang out with people because I just wanted to get home.

Growing up wasn’t a walk in the park either. When you live on a dairy farm, you never come first. It is always the cows. Always. They eat first. They get milked first. They stay happy first. So I learned from a very early age that it doesn’t matter if I’m happy. I always put everyone else first because it’s just the way I was raised. Selflessness was never far behind.

I’ve been put in other situations in my life where it has caused me to mature faster than average people my age. And honestly? It sucks. I want to relate to kids my age, but I can’t. I just think that their conversations are stupid. I’m not up to date on memes, or technology. I feel like I was suppose to born in another decade, but some wires got crossed and wrong communication happened and now I’m stuck in the millennial era.

I can’t complain entirely. I have met some decent people. Made very good friends. And going to an agriculture based school has definitely taught me that there are people out there I can relate to. Now that I’m branching out, meeting new friends.

I know who I am. But I also don’t. I have a very good idea what my interests are and what I want for myself. But when I imagine myself, my future self, I can’t imagine myself in a house, with a husband, and an actual job that pays more than $9 an hour.

But I also realize that I need to go through this stage in my life to get to the next one. Everything happens for a reason. I get that.

Patience. Waiting. You’ll understand when your older. Maybe I should actually listen the next time my dad says this to me…

until next time…

Don’t just say it. Bleed it.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
― Ernest Hemingway

This is true. When I blog, when I write, or when I speak, I bleed. What’s the point of playing it safe? Go big or go home. Say everything you’ve been feeling. Write and don’t feel bad about what you say. And don’t just say it, Because on here? Who’s gonna judge? Because even if you’re not a writer, you still feel what you feel. No one’s going to tell you that.

To be honest, I’m not much of a writer. But I’ve been told I am a good one. But I don’t do it very often. Even if you’re good at something, it may not be your passion.

My passion? Piano. It’s not what I want my career to be in, because creating a career in the music industry is extremely difficult. So I settled for the next best thing- playing as often as I can and playing with all the emotion I’m feeling. It’s not something everyone can do, but when you’ve been playing since you were 4 years old? I comes naturally I guess. It will forever be my dream, for when I’m graduated and get a house and a stable job and… money I guess, to get a grand piano. That will forever be my dream.

On that note, here’s a new thing I’ve been trying- kickboxing. I’ve always wanted to do it, but I said it was more of a college thing. And here I am. In college. And there’s no better time than the present. And so far it’s pretty intense. So watch out. Because I’m a bad ass motherfucker ready to fuck shit up. Or at least I’m getting there…

until next time…

 

What I’ve learned in boating school today is…

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
― Anaïs Nin

As time here in college goes by, I think I’ve learned a lot that has made me who I am as a person. Just got my second speeding ticket, and I feel like it’s the end of the world. I am slowly getting out of the friend group. It makes me sad, not gonna lie. They’ve taught me so much. Given me experience. But it’s time to move on. I also realize that mixing fireball in a jello shot isn’t the wisest idea when you have about 4 of them in a row. Talk about feeling shitty.

The quote above is about Matthew. If you haven’t guessed. I’ve put up with him telling lies about me for the past couple of weeks. But now things are taken too far. Apparently I think we are still dating. Yeah. That’s what he said. Where is this bullshit coming from??? The only reason I know is because Tom told me. He said that all the guys thought that what Matthew said is ridiculous and it’s not like me. That I deserved to know. Also that he’s on Tindr. Dating other girls. So guess what that means? Everything. He. Ever. Told. Me. Was. A lie. Whatever. But I can’t know. Because… I don’t know. He’s a pathological liar. So yeah.

Blindness, errors, betrayals. Yep. Pretty much summed it up. The only part I don’t regret is the experience he gave me- sexual and relationship wise. That’s it. Besides that I regret everything.

It makes me definitely regret ditching my other friends. They invited me to a party and I was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Drank a lot. Hang out. Played some pong. Ate an amazing breakfast the next morning.

It makes me think there are true friends out there. Real people. Gives me hope.

until next time…

If I could go back in time and change one thing…

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect—you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
― Bob Marley

Why are some guys so smart, and others are so dumb? Some guys know when they have a decent girl, to never let her go because it could be the worst mistake they ever make.

I would’ve given my heart to him. When I have a guy who likes me and I like him back, I want to go all in. But slowly.

He told me he loved me. That is all I know to be true at this moment. If he meant it, who knows. But he said it. And I didn’t say it back. I froze. Was that a mistake? Should I have said it back? Because I’m convinced that was a major reason why he broke it off.

I didn’t say it back .

Could I have handled him? I like to think so. His life was cushy. Could he have handled me? I like to think so. Could he have handled my lifestyle? No. I don’t think so. He said he could but my lifestyle is almost worst that going to basic. And he doesn’t realize that. Living on a dairy farm isn’t a life everyone is capable of living. It’s hard.

And yeah. We are different. But why should that be such a major factor? I would be willing to make sacrifices. If it meant that I could keep him in my life.

But now he’s messed everything up again. And I can’t get over how he’s betrayed me so bad. I can’t look at him anymore. I hate talking to him. Being even in the same room as him. But those feelings. I just miss having someone who likes me more than a friend. Obviously he doesn’t. Did he ever? No idea. Because all he does is lie.

I want to love myself again. Have all that confidence that I used to have. Because I don’t have that anymore. And I wish I did. When I knew I didn’t need a man to be happy.

I didn’t know it was possible to hate and love someone this much.

Whatever.

until next time…