“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
Well here I am again. Over a month has past since I’ve written to you guys. And I don’t feel bad about it. What’s new with me? Well…
No new guys in my life I’m afraid. Is that bad? I’m 19 and I feel like I should have at least some admirers. Some guys I flirt with. I thought by now I would’ve lost my virginity but obviously that hasn’t happened. I remember one of my previous posts I wrote that I found a new group of friends and was partying it up. And I was. But now that there is only 3 weeks left of school I just want to get through it and start fresh next year. Stay in my room and chill and sleep, eat occasionally. And let me tell you something- the freshman 15 is real. Very real.
I’m going to just let it happen naturally, the whole guy thing. I am not going to force myself on someone. I learned that lesson.
I feel like I should be hanging out with a lot of people. I don’t want to be lame, a loner, live up to my mother’s accusations: a stupid, ugly, friendless loser. Maybe, just maybe, it’s my self-confidence rearing it’s ugly head.
Here’s something I don’t get- I haven’t talked to Matthew in over a month. And just yesterday he brought up to my friend Jesse our break up. Me saying “I loved him” (even though I didn’t) and how I threw myself on him and how he just had to get out of the relationship. How he was done with me, Ben, Tom. How he just stays in his room and doesn’t talk with anyone. And here’s the real kicker- how he’s spending his time with all these girls on tinder and has slept with over 8 girls since he broke it off with me. Good for you, you sleaze.
None of this surprises me. What I don’t get is why he’s bringing it up again? I thought after I left him alone he would’ve gotten over it, but why does he have the need to bring it up?
Personally, I think it’s because he knows what really happened that night. That he told me first and I didn’t say it back. That’s what’s bothering him and that’s why be broke up with me. Why did I get involved with him in the first place?
Can’t wait til summer. Can’t wait til summer. Can’t wait til summer. Maybe if I say it 3 times like Dorthy it will come true.
until next time…